All noise, no poise

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (12A, 115 minutes)

Roaring – lots and lots of roaring – a whimpering giant baby ape and a hidden tribe that communicates by eye contact.

I’m speechless, as is a large part of this film.

Last year’s Apple TV series Monarch: Legacy of Monsters worked because it was character-led so with the organiation charged with keeping a close eye on the location of titans also a key part of this feature film I was at least hopeful that there would be some chance of continuity

No chance!

Is this set before or after the series? Neither because this is a seequal to the 2021 15-round prizfight in water that was Godzilla Vs Kong. although there is Shimo, a creature with freezing breath and concept of a gateway joining two separate realms – ours and the hollow earth, a land populated by monsters – is intact. Sort of.

But even that doesn’t tie up as the passage of time in the series sees minutes spent in the lower realm equate to months and days to years above.

Monarch is a complete rd herring. So all we’re left with is the long-standing premise that Kong and Godzilla don’t get on so need to be kept apart, with Kong the protector of the animal kingdom below and the atomic lizard humanity’s champion against the monster threat above, even if that supposed protection involves laying entire cities to waste then sleeping it off in the Colloseum.

There is actually a storyline, of sorts, to all this. Well if you consider a buddy monster movie in which the humans are bit players a story, especially when I thought the hairy ape is supposed to have died in 1933 after falling off the Empire State Building.

And it took three people to write something so lacking in structure or dimension? Therat to humanity..tick… and.. a shedload of CGI.

The point is, none of this adds up. It’s the cinema equivalent of thrash metal – all noise, no poise.

Even Barbie makes more sense than this utter dross.

RATING: 0/10

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Mick Ferris

Editor Email: mickferris@yellowad.co.uk