I solemnly swear that I will continue swearing

I like to think I’ve got a pretty decent vocabulary, but let’s face it, sometimes nothing else will suffice but a good old swear word – the trusty Anglo Saxon expletive that in its delivery communicates so much more than any other word available to you and acts as an emotional release at times when it all just gets a bit much.

Times like when the EU shows its true colours in preparing to suspend part of the Brexit deal covering Northern Ireland in a petulant and outwardly hostile rush to impose restrictions on the export of COVID vaccines that prompted widespread condemnation even amongst their own group.

Even if they did back down late on Friday they’re still a bunch of f****** t**ts.

Or the little boy who runs France spitefully attempting to plant doubt in people’s minds over the effectiveness of the AstraZeneca jab, which on the stats available would certainly be my vaccine of choice.

What a ***t

Nicola Sturgeon, Ian Blackford and Gove whenever their scrunched up little hobbit faces appear on screen.

Bunch of a*******s.

Trump and his cronies whose ‘alternate truths’ have manipulated half of an entire population.

Co**s!

People in management or HR who use words like “moving forward” and “synergy” when they mean “here’s a few grand, now f*** off.”

B*****ds!

Supposedly literate press officers who don’t know how to use an apostrophe or even when to use a capital letter and use phrases like “100% confidentially”.

There’s no such thing as 50% or even 99% confidentially, it either is or it isn’t.

Silly b*****rs!

People whose idea of social responsibility in the middle of a pandemic is throwing a party.

Selfish w*****s!

Then there’s that dreadful Lloyds Bank TV advertisement that uses We’ve Only Just Begun with the wrong chord in the middle. It’s torture because I know every time it’s shown that chord is coming and there’s nothing I can do about it. I shudder every time and wish with all my heart that I could slam the piano lid down onto the player’s hands when it happens.

For f***s sake!

These and many other things going on in the world are what we should be offended by, not a relatively harmless collection of letters grouped together to make a one, two and occasionally four-syllable word. The behaviour of the human race is far far worse than getting sweaty palms over the small stuff like someone saying f*** in front of the vicar or b*****ks before the kids have gone to bed.

There’s nowt wrong with a cuss, whether it’s the equivalent of barking at the moon or conveying just how infuriating something is. In fact, I heartily recommend it as an alternative to throwing something, kicking the TV or weeping uncontrollably into a pillow.

Every contestant on Tipping Point.

Thick as pig ***t!

Arsenal’s David Luiz after he cracked Wolves forward Raul Jimiez’s skull like an eggshell.

Dirty b*****d!

And that time I shut my d… hang on… I’m just a potty mouth, aren’t I?

Stupid TV quiz answers of the week

From the new BBC2 quiz show Lightning:

Q: Which Biblical character had a coat of many colours?

A: Jason

And back to the quiz that never stops giving – ITV’s Tipping Point:

Q: In the Richard Strauss opera, which Biblical character performs the dance of the seven veils?

A: Jesus

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Mick Ferris

Editor Email: [email protected]