Just another song and dance

Uncharted (12A, 116 minutes)

The original plan had been to review Cyrano, but when some powdered bint in a wig suddenly decided to stare into the middle distance and burst into song about four minutes in while the people in close proximity just carried on chatting oblivious to this climb every mountain moment I beat a hasty retreat and considered the alternatives.

Not even the great Peter Dinklage can persuade me to sit through two hours of that. Even another adaptation of a computer game is more preferable, hence this adventure buddy movie starring Tom Holland and Mark Wahlberg in which two barely adept misfits go hunting for 16th Century explorer Ferdinand Magellan’s lost gold – a sort of modern day Raiders Of The Lost National Treasure In The Jungle Cruise Of The Caribbean minus the Nazis or the swashbuckling.

Holland’s popularity at the box office is undeniable at the moment while I suppose Wahlberg can be a bit of a polarising figure. I happen to like a lot of his work (especially 2 Guns and The Other Guys, which both show he plays well with others). He’s certainly no one trick pony.

The problem with transferring something from an Q Box to the big screen is, a game doesn’t require much of a story. It’s a quick trawl of avoiding getting killed until you run out of levels. I’ll never forget the disappointment of finishing Sonic The Hedgehog about 30 years ago and my reward being a simple “WELL DONE!

And so, while Uncharted hits the right buttons for gamers with the need for a near constant stream of short term adrenaline rush, satisfying those of us who appreciate subplot and subtlety is a much harder ask.

Suspension of disbelief is all important in fantasy adventures and flimsy storylines tend to prod the brain to remind you it’s all just green screen.

That’s bad enough for the audience, but when you get the impression that the cast, with the exception of Holland, aren’t buying into it either then you’re left watching someone else playing the game, which gets boring very quickly.

Of course, these adventures wouldn’t be complete without a villain and Antonio Banderas presents a stereotypical suave rich baddie who comes nowhere near to bringing anything to the party.

Now Dinklage could have really done something with that part.

Without having to suffer people bursting into song around him.

RATING 5/10

Mick Ferris

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