Not the ones that I want – ooh ooh ooh, honey

IT’S a sad fact that telethons like Children In Need and Comic Relief will always be necessary because so many people need to have something right in their face for seven hours solid on a Friday evening to actually put their hands in their pockets to do something to help others.

And it’s very difficult to argue with £50+million worth of sitting in baths of cold baked beans and having to suffer the cast of EastEnders doing songs from the shows or a bunch of newsreaders singing and dancing badly.

If that’s what it takes to get those less fortunate some desperately needed assistance and a bit of hope then it has to be worth it I suppose.

But thank goodness there are enough channels available that I don’t have to sit through “celebrity has been rounds” of crappy quiz shows where the not so special guest contestants show they’re every bit as thick as the numbnuts who appear every other day of the week (see bottom of this column).

Can’t we all just automatically donate a fiver every November so we can be spared the pain of giant cheque presentations in Norwich and soap opera actors pretending to be Queen or Danny and Sandy from Grease?

Pact of three

As if we needed further proof of the total disdain political parties have for democracy and the populace, just look at them scrambling to make pacts, not to espouse their own philosophies, but to prevent someone else from getting in.

On one hand we have Nigel Farage going back on his threat to have a candidate in 600 constituencies to now saying the Brexit Party won’t contest any seats already held by the Tories. Then there’s the SNP/Plaid Cymru/Lib Dem conglomerate, whose aim is to overturn Brexit and split the UK. I don’t know why they don’t just merge into the Breakup Party.

At least they’ve managed to get three of the most annoying people in politics all under one umbrella.

It’s one thing to form these agreements in Parliament if there is a consensus between groups, but to do so in a general election is cheating the electorate – not that cheating us is anything new!

Sleepless in Southend

Southend Council is about to implement an initiative where aggressive begging and rough sleepers face being fined £100.

If they had a hundred quid they wouldn’t be huddled in a grotty shop doorway, would they?

In a week when just a few miles up the A127 (or A13 depending on which traffic jam you want to be stuck in) a homeless man died in Basildon town centre.

How utterly callous!

I’ve said before that I believe any of us are just a few steps from being in the same position as these poor devils trying to keep warm in a filthy sleeping bag in freezing conditions and I would have thought that at least some of those councillors would have an ounce of compassion.

Who Trumped?

On day one of the US House of Representatives’ public impeachment inquiry, Donald Trump’s people were insisting he would not be following proceedings.

By day two, the twit was on Twitter while the hearing was actually taking place.

As the US ambassador to the Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, was giving her testimony, Trump tweeted a scathing put down of the ambassador, adding that he has the power to fire diplomats at will.

You couldn’t make this stuff up.

And he’s threatening to come over here before the election.

The Queen has probably already instructed Boris to tell him she’s out that day.

Stupid TV quiz contestant of the week:

Tipping Point question: Who had a 1972 hit with the song School’s Out?

Answer: Nobby Holland? (I presume he was thinking of Noddy Holder, but even that would have been wrong).

Edward Case

Columnist