Only when I laugh…

Southend United v Torquay United – Vanarama National League – Roots Hall Stadium – Sunday (3pm) – Preview

“Mr Jeeves? Room 5, please.”

“Good morning, Doctor.”

“Ah, good morning, Mr Jeeves. How are you feeling? Here for the results of your yearly check-up. Let’s have a look, shall we? Okay, your blood pressure seems to be down from where it was this time last year. And your anxiety appears to be a little more in check. Post-traumatic stress has dropped significantly since November. However, there still appears to be an underlying effect caused by distrust. Any aches, pains or concerns?

“Well, Doctor, I still get the odd tension headache, usually between three and quarter to five on a Saturday afternoon. Oh, and a recurring fear of abandonment?”

“How many units of alcohol a week?”

“None, Doctor. I’ve not drank for more than two years, but I’ve continually got this horrible sense of foreboding.”

“Blimey, that’s quite remarkable considering the stress you’ve suffered over the past five! Any trouble sleeping?”

“Yes, Doctor, I seem to have this recurring nightmare about living in a half-built home which I can’t afford to run and the landlord continually telling me that there’s nothing to worry about. Oh, and for some reason, I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking about a dominatrix demon in a Chesterfield football shirt, whipping me to within an inch of my life and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’ve had that for about seven months. It’s quite a harrowing experience.”

“Tell me more about this dominatrix…

“She’s appeared in nightmares throughout my life. Back in 1987, she appeared several times in a matter of weeks, sporting the colours of Gillingham, Notts County and Sunderland. In 1990, it was Crystal Palace. She’s also evolved as Harlow Town, Aylesbury, Kingstonian and a couple of years ago, Doncaster Rovers. The last five years have been hellish! It’s been better of late, but she recently visited in the form of Maidenhead United and Stockport County. What’s that all about?

“You might need some more counselling for that. Are you still seeing Mr Maher?

“Mr Maher and his team of consultants have been tremendous. The three counsellors before that left me on edge and fearing the worst. Dark times. I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.”

“Okay, we’ll up the visits to Mr Maher’s clinic to 46 per year. Is that alright?”

“Absolutely! (erm, not sure where that came from).

“Anyway Mr Jeeves, looking forward, where do you see yourself twelve months from now?

“Well, Doctor. I’d like to think I’d have almost made a full recovery and I’m somewhere close to where I was fifteen years ago. On the up. Floating on air without a care in the world. Ready to scoff at those who previously doubted me while they receive the ‘hairdryer treatment’ from an angry Glaswegian. As I said before, I have a fear of abandonment. Something like Mr Maher and his team getting fed up and moving to a different practice in the north of the county. Perhaps or even our new house falling through yet again and leaving me homeless. It’s a constant concern.”

“Try not to worry, Mr Jeeves. What will be, will be. In the meantime, take a couple of months off. I’ll be in touch with you again in August. Is there anything else I can help you with?

“Yes, some sort of health tonic. In the past, I’ve been prescribed some Phillips, Cadette, Crown, Angell, Collymore and Eastwood. They’ve all helped immensely.”

“Hmm, I’ll see what I’ve got. I might have some Acquah?”

Erm, I’ll leave it for now. See you again in the Autumn.”

Have a great summer, everyone – Up the Shrimpers – Much love – Jeevesie x

Jeevesie’s prediction: Southend United 1-1 Torquay United

Brian Jeeves

Email: sport@yellowad.co.uk