We’re a captive audience

“Who the hell are these f***wits ruining Times like These?”, said a post on my Facebook on Friday morning and as I sit here with my just got out of bed hair looking more like Keith Richards every day, it’s a sentiment I find very difficult to argue with.

A makeshift, but no less welcome for it, Little Britain summed things up brilliantly on Thursday’s telethon The Big Night In when narrator Tom Baker described it as a bunch of comedians being nowhere near as funny as usual but it doesn’t matter because it’s for a good cause. (Now there’s a David Walliams line, I’ll bet).

And the same goes for the ubiquitous charity single in which Dave Grohl and Taylor Hawkins tried desperately to add some semblance of credibility as the likes of Dua Lipa, Anne-Marie, Jess Glynne, Rag n Bone Man, Chris Martin and Ellie Goulding along with a bunch of others who could have been my binmen for all I know – slaughtered the Foo Fighters hit, even omitting the all important D7(+9 and added 6) guitar chord which drives the entire song because, let’s face it, most of them wouldn’t know where to put their fingers on the fretboard for a 9th with an added 6th and couldn’t be bothered to try and learn. (Just go alternate strings on the 5th fret leaving bottom E open then going on and off the A string – easy and I’m mainly a keyboards player).

I know the means justifies the end, but these celebrity singalongs are without exception truly awful. Even Do They Know It’s Christmas (the original 1984 version, not the Do They Know It’s Still Christmas and Do They Know It’s Christmas Again… and again (yawn) versions of later years) only stands up because it was written specifically for the Ethiopian famine, then there was the novelty value of it being the first and what it achieved.

The rest are all extremely poor diabetic covers of songs whose titles tend to provide a tenuous link to the cause (except for Lou Reed’s Perfect Day, a song about heroin, which was used for Children In Need in 1997 – don’t get me wrong, it’s a great song, possibly even his best, but not for kids and Tom Jones singing “You’re going to reap what you sow” means something completely different to Lou singing it).

None of them have any lasting value other than for the couple of weeks that people respond to them by putting their hands in their pockets.

I would gladly pay a fiver to never have to hear any of them ever again.

Bleach of the peace

Just as I thought it would be possible to maybe have a few days respite from Donald “ this virus is really clever” Trump (well yes it is, compared to you mate!) he comes up with the disinfectant and ultra-violet light cure, much to the chagrin of White House coronavirus response co-ordinator Dr Deborah Birx, who was unable to hide her utter horror as the President addressed the press corps last week.

Then I thought about all those rednecks in their trucks protesting in over a dozen states about the lockdown and insisting the pandemic is an over-reaction, or even a hoax, even though 50,000 of their fellow Americans have died and three quarters of a million are infected.

Just for a second an idea came to mind – a diabolical idea I admit – but the temptation was there to say, whoever believes this madman should maybe just be allowed to shoot up with Domestos and lie on a sunbed.

Then we’ll see who’s talking through his bleached a**eh**e.

Stupid TV quiz answer of the week

When looking for a thicko who’s not Donald Trump I can always rely on Tipping Point.

Q: Which religious leader features in the story Seven Years In Tibet?

A: Jesus?

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Edward Case

Columnist