It’s nearly make your mind up time and by the end of the week we’ll know just how many of us are too thick to spell Pinocchio.
This election campaign has left me pondering so many what ifs.
What it Jacob Rees Mogg had engaged his brain before his mouth instead of the other way round?
What if Boris had just said – to hell with it, Andrew Neil, bring it on?
What if Tom Watson had stood his ground?
What if Jeremy Corbyn had actually said sorry for the anti Semitism in his party somewhere other than on a couch with Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby when only pensioners and mums were watching?
What if Jo Swinson really was a liberal and/or a democrat?
What if Mhairi Black was leader of the SNP?
What if someone at Conservative head office had actually said to TV show bookers: “Stanley? Don’t be silly.”
Would Michael Gove have been more entertaining than the block of ice on Channel 4’s election debate? (I must admit, the ice sculpture was a move I would have done myself).
What if Farage hadn’t spent the campaign walking backwards for Christmas?
These questions (apart from maybe the Mhairi Black one) will never be answered. However, there are other answers waiting just around the corner such as:
What coalitions are going to be forged in a bid to put the final nail in the coffin of democracy in Britain?
Who will be the leader of the Labour Party by this time next week, because whether it’s through defeat or as a condition of an alliance, the only way Corbyn comes out of this is with all or nothing.
But however this pans out, none of us should expect an end to external influence through outlandish social media propaganda or the delinquency which has become the norm in Parliament.
Only a seismic display by the electorate on Thursday could do anything to change that.
Fiona on fire
Badass of the week has to go to Fiona Bruce, who played an absolute blinder on last Thursday’s Question Time, carving up Ian Blackford and the SNP’s manifesto with a cleaver and serving it up like an overcooked Christmas dinner.
Then she did the same with Labour’s fiscal policy while keeping order by shouting down Brexit Party chairman Richard Tice and deputy leader of the Lib Dems, Ed Davey, as their incessant bickering threatened to take over the entire programme.
Fiona was on fire. I won’t forget her hollering “STOP TALKING!” in a hurry. In two words she reduced them to silly little boys. Easily the best couple of seconds on TV all week and more than a little bit arousing (no apologies #MeToo).
I don’t know what you’re selling
TV advertising has never worked on me. I can remember the commercials themselves – the production values on some of them are insane – but not what they’re actually trying to entice me to buy.
There’s that nice one with the little dragon, the one with awesome The Night by The Four Seasons (with the baritone sax part prominent in the mix) as the soundtrack, that one with the sloth puppet, the woman with a green blindfold and not forgetting the dancing Christmas jumpers and pyjamas to House of Pain’s Jump Around.
But ask me what or who they are advertising and I couldn’t tell you, although I’m guessing the last one is jumpers & pyjamas and the more pretentious they get the bigger the likelihood they’re peddling designer perfume.
I never had this problem with Tony the Tiger, the Milky Bar Kid or the Oxo woman.